I don’t suffer from ADD – a trending affliction that could easily explain my inability to focus on certain tasks and an unfortunate tendency to bore myself into an unproductive stupor – but my particular form of self-repression is an offshoot of OCD called EDD (Esteem Deficit Disorder). Sufferers of EDD, once insensitively labeled “shrinking violets”, are burdened with symptoms which include performance anxiety (of every kind), hypersensitivity toward criticism (external or internal), and an overall lack of motivation, especially on cloudy days. Contrary to current non-existent scientific studies, EDD does not respond well to medication nor positive attention.
As a creative person who enjoys writing, as well as variety of arts and crafts, I sometimes have the childish urge to say to no one in particular, “Look what I’ve done!” Unfortunately, attention (even the positive variety), rather than encouraging me to further endeavors, causes my EDD to flare up and my natural coping mechanism (playing dead) kicks in. It’s a vicious cycle of “Look at me!” and “Stop staring at me!”
I know why I’m the way I am, but that’s of little help toward not being the way I am and becoming the way I want to be. So today I’ve been writing, tossing aside the expectations of others, disregarding my fear of failure and/or success, and the malaise of winter. Today felt like spring and I felt like being creative. Well done! (If I do say so myself…)