Category Archives: Humor & Comics
I think Catholicism may be the most OCD religion in the world. I know, with the rosaries and Hail Mary’s and huddled masses it isn’t shocking, but that they have so many, very specific saints is pathological.
It seems he was in a play that mocked Christianity for Emperor Chuckles McDiocletian’s amusement, when things suddenly got real. Genesius started seeing angels, made the mistake of telling everyone within earshot, and then asked to be baptized for real, on stage. What a drama queen! For coming out of the dressing room closet as a Christian, Diocletian had Genesius’ head removed, c. 286 or c. 303, doesn’t matter. What matters is what made Genesius a saint; not being a funny guy, for being a dead funny guy.
Of course it all started with a legend, as most religious stories do. Genesius of Arles (only one to a town please) worked as a legal clerk, heard about Christ and wanted to get baptized. At this point in the story he got some really terrible advice:
Martyrdom is at least as good?! That’s quite a span: dipped in water or decapitated. Meh, same difference. Genesius didn’t even bother to get a second opinion, he headed (headed…get it?) straight toward the sword. I guess that’s why he wasn’t named Geniusius!
 Also the patron saint of actors, clowns, comics converts (what are they?!), dancers, musicians, stenographers, printers, lawyers, epileptics, thieves, torture victims, and apparently, even magicians.
My religious background having been in the protestant camp, I know very little about saints (other than Francis of Assissi), so I knew nothing of Saint Sebastian. Today, our own Saint Frank sent me sleuthing and after some brief, yet quite intense research on a website (guess which) I learned the following, almost surely true facts about Saint Sebastian, The Twice Martyred:
- He might have been born around 256 and died in the vicinity of 288.
- His non-Christian name could have been Gallia Narbonensis (or possibly Gallileo Carbonisis), but his friends called him Sebastian for short.
- Apparently Mr Sebastian was a Christian with a mission at the time when, Christian scholars are pretty sure he became a captain in Diocletian‘s Praetorian Guard.
- Sebastian, who today could easily have been a life coach, encouraged Christian prisoners (and their families), who were on the sacrificial short list, to stick to their guns. Martyrdom; that’ll show the Romans who’s boss.
- Unfortunately, Diocletian felt that Sebastian’s attempts to cheer up the soon-to-die spoiled the fun. Who wants to kill someone who just stands there, praising the wrong god while lions knock them about? There may be no crying in baseball, but in ritual sacrifice it’s a goddamn rule.
- As punishment for being a such a killjoy, Diocletian had Sebastian tied to a tree and let his best archers practice hitting the tree. They were very good, so Sebastian survived the one or ten arrows that accidentally hit him and Irene of Rome  was able to fix him right up.
- When he got better, having suffered mere flesh wounds, and perhaps delirious from herbal pain management, felt empowered to stand on a step and talk shit to Diocletian, who just happened to be walking past.
- Diocletian was not amused. He had Sebastian clubbed like a baby Harbor seal and his body chucked into a sewer.
- The remains of someone that somebody pulled from the sewer and identified as Sebastian’s are now in Rome. Or France.
St Sebastian is an inspiration to athletes, especially archers, because of his willingness to take one for the team. Sebastian led by example: Be a team player, even if it kills you. Injured? Walk it off, and talking shit at your opponent is all part of the game.
 Judging from the many portraits of Saint Sebastian, he might be even more popular with the gay S&M crowd.
 Saint Irene of Rome, who as you know was the widow of the martyr Saint Castulus, and should not to be confused with Irene of Florence, a charlatan who didn’t know a salve from a poultice.